Bad Jokes Dept

lol

Horse walks into a bar.
Barman says, "Why the long face?"

Two men walked into a bar…
the third one ducked.

The grouchy clown could never find work.

Jennifer, no laughing. This is the bad jokes thread.

I get very dry skin each winter. Over the years, I have complained to my doctor about this, and each time, the doctor would recommend Keri Lotion. But it never helped.

Finally, I complained: “You’ve recommended Keri Lotion year after year, but it never helps!”

The doctor asked how much lotion I used, and when I told him, he gave me some additional instructions:
Use it twice or even three times a day. Slather it on. Don’t be stingy.

Well, I followed these new instructions, and my dry skin was completely cured within two weeks.

However, several weeks later, I noticed when I was shaving that I had very bad dandruff. As I shaved, I studied my head in the mirror and pondered if I should try the Keri Lotion to cure that problem too. Would it adversely affect my scalp? Finally I decided against it, since to commit hairy Keri would be against my religious beliefs.

(This is a true story. It is what happened to me, personally. Gregory J. Scott)

A man goes to his doctor. The man tells the doctor that lately, whenever he breaks wind instead of the usual noise it sounds like "honda!" and he's a little concerned.

"Stop drinking absinthe" says the doctor.

The man is shocked. "How did you know I'd been drinking absinthe?"

"Easy" says the doctor. "Everybody knows absinthe makes the fart go Honda."

a lion walks into a bar. At the opposite end, is a loud, nasty woman who won't shut up. The lion roars and goes over and devours her.
About a half hour later, he gets very sleepy.
The bartender notices and tells him " must be the bar bitch you ate."

A grasshopper walks into a bar, sits down and orders a scotch. The bartender says to him "You know, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper replies "You have a drink named Irving?"

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? "Aye, matey!"

A very short psychic escapes from prison, the headline reads....

Small Medium at Large...

Cheers, Barbara

What did the plow say to the tractor?



"Move a little closer, John Deere"

I JUST started dating this homeless woman, I think it's getting serious because she's asked me to move out with her.

There were two race-horses at a bar, discussing their day's racing over pints of beer.
When in walked a Greyhound, said hello to the horses, ordered a Whiskey, drunk it and walked out.
One of the horses said to the other "Well what do you know? A talking dog".

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

A magician was just walking down the street when he turned into a bar.

I used to be addicted to soap. Don't worry. I'm clean now.

How do you spot Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?

He's the only one with sesame seed buns.

What is it when Batman leaves church early?

A Christian Baile.

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned; I couldn't concentrate.

Great one for the kids.

Why didn't the lobster share his lunch.

Because he was shellfish.

A bunch of chess players at a tournament were standing in the hotel lobby bragging about their recent game victories. Finally after an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. One guy asked him why and he said "Because I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer".

When is a black dog not a black dog
when it's greyhound

My father always likes to say, "He never did that before" upon hearing that some celebrity or public figure has died.

My washing machine agitates.
My dryer gets heated, but then
things cool down.

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory- you couldn't park anywhere near the place.

That's a real knee-slapper.

Ken: RE: A mirror goes into a bar. The bartender says,
"Haven't I seen you before?"

The mirror had to reflect on that for a moment. A girl in the bar thought the mirror was a real dirtball, then she took a shine to him. An empty glass tried to hit on the girl, but she could see right through him.

When the mirror was asked to pay for his drink, he was just floored. And totally broke.

The police came to arrest the mirror for nonpayment, and disturbing the piece. But the mirror was sharp, claimed he was framed.

why do men not need to ask for directions?
Because they have a buildt in arrow pointing the way.....

[deleted]

Nevermind, these jokes are supposed to be family friendly....

LOL,i made that one UP.....
aw. Cheryl, that was both funny and true.....

It looks like that mirror wasn't very polished.

A chalkboard and an eraser walked into a saloon, all dusty from a hard day's work in a third grade classroom. The bartender refused to serve them, sent the chalkboard outside to wash off in the horse trough.

When the eraser came back in with a clean slate, they spied a cold beverage dancing on the table with no clothes on... beer naked. Bartender drew a pistol & fired at it, afterward they determined it was a shot glass. You never saw such a shattered look.

It was a very small saloon. There was not enough rum in it for everyone, so people took their drinks outside. The eraser drank too much, and got sick. Said he felt a bit ale-ing. Another person immediately caught a bug, but let it get away -- it went flying around the ceiling.

More insects tried to get into the bar, but the bartender kicked them all out, even his own ant.

I've told these before here..

An alien goes into a bar for a drink.
The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but I think you've had enough.
You look a little green".


Doctor: So what seems to be the problem?

Snail: Well, I've been feeling a little sluggish.

An old ant got so drunk the bartender tried to send him home. "Not ever going back" slurred the ant, "I am *so* over the hill."

"Yeah," replied the bee next to him, "when I go home I get hives."

"I just feel so cooped up at my place," clucked the chicken.

Rabbit said, "I like being home, even though it's a real hole."

Pony said, "Yes, there's no substitute for a stable place to live." Snake hissed, "I live in a stone wall... it totally rocks there."

Larvae started to say something, and they all interrupted, "You have real gall, telling us about where you live."

"Anytime I crawl home after hanging out at this bar, I'm really going out on a limb with my wife" responded the caterpillar., "I'll leaf it at that."

Then the frog invited them all over to his pad, later it flooded and his guests found themselves up a creek, so the beavers gave them lodging.

The alligator told them all, "I've been swamped lately. I joined the Navy, and they gave me a job as a navi-gator."

Camel said he had no home, his place is deserted now.

The snail never made it to the bar, he wouldn't come out of his shell.

Bat said, "When I was single, I flew around outside at night all the time, & slept where I wanted. Got married and my wife didn't like that lifestyle, so I finally caved in."

Tiger said his home is a real zoo. Accommodations for the large felines are the worst, everyone just lion around.

Pig said, "I'm trying to write a book, so I don't care where I live, all I need is some paper, and my pen."

No more hanging around anywhere
he feels like for the bat.

Baby clowns are cute, but they can be scary when they grow up.

Scary grown-up clown: "Boo ... ha-ha-ha."

The incompetent clown tried to make-up, but everyone accused him of just trying to save face.

Mrs. Robot always brags how mechanical Mr. Robot is.
Though she often thinks he has a screw loose they get along well
except when he's clanky.
So as to not cause her to blow a fuse, he stays geared-up to complete
projects and not get rusty. Then he reads Popular Mechanics.

Mr. Robot has great affection for Mrs. Robot, but she does test his metal.

An inventor built a new kind of artificially intelligent machine that knew when you got up in the morning, would get your bathrobe out of the closet, and put it on you. If you didn't want your robe right away, it would follow you around the house with the robe until you needed it.

He called it: The Robe-bot.

Baby clown: I wanna go to the circus.

Dad clown: Not today, but maybe we'll go to
McDonald's later.

Baby clown got to go to the circus after all. He wanted to perform with the grownup clowns, but his parents kept him on a tight rope.

Baby clown wasn't rattled, but he was down after his
trampoline act was bounced. He didn't have the height.

Got himself a huge black stovepipe hat, after that he was in the Big Top.

Someone sewed lace sleeves & collar on his costume, that got him ruffled.

Traded in his clown shoes for comfortable slippers & did a soft-shoe act. It was a slipshod performance, but the crowd got a kick out of it.

Baby clown cribbed some lines, he got caught red-handed, but the big clowns handled it with kid gloves. They worked hand in glove together after that.

Did you hear about the graveyard across town?

People are just dying to get in!

Everyone assumed Baby clown was always kidding or just playing.
Baby clown didn't cry about it though.
He was determined to crawl his way to the Big Top.

New detective arriving upon the scene of the crime:
"Not a single clue. There's nothing but a bunch of coins strewn all over".

Veteran detective:
"It's obvious, he's been nickel and dimed to death".

Gregory: Yes, I heard it was a very grave situation. Late arrivals don't stand a ghost of a chance of getting in. It's a very spirited competition.

Ken: Nickel & dimed to death... yes, to coin a term. The murderer had to "change" his identity.

I heard the new detective solved his case by Shirlock (sheer luck). After that he had more difficulty, he gave up and went Holmes. Then he couldn't even find his own child... inquired around the neighborhood, and all he heard from people was "Watson? We haven't seen him."

***************
With apologies to Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

Interestingly, Arthur Conan Doyle was into the spirit world.
You would think he would have been a ghost writer.
But his fans would have seen right through that.

Ken: Clearly!

(lol) I used parentheses.
That's almost as hard to say as "interestingly",
or maybe worse.

Maybe it was Arthur.

The joke we told over-and-over-and-over when I was a kid:

Knock Knock
Who's there? Arthur
Arthur who? Arthur Mometer

(Our thermometer)

We thought that joke was hot. It got some cool reactions, though. My family could be a bit mercurial.

If a mother wrote a doctoral thesis, and she quotes from it when lecturing her progeny...

Is that a parenthetical quotation?

***
Research proposals on parenting:

parentheses