Your Funniest True Life Story.

Geez.. it been like 40 years ago now.. but a group of us went to Atlantic City to see David Bowie. It was during the Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars tour so needless to say there was quit a large crowd. Atlantic City is a beach town in New Jersey with a long boardwalk and amusement areas. So we were all crowned together with a mass of teenagers waiting outside to be let in.. when one of my friends started laughing.. we had no idea why and she was laughing so hard she couldn't speak, but finally was able to tell us why...

She had an itch on her foot and lifted it to scratch but when she tried to put her foot down again there wasn't any place to put it.

That's funny Bob, amazing how certain things remain with us for so many years, my fishing story happened some 30 years ago. I have not heard from my friend in many years, but I'm sure if I were to run into him some day we would both crack up on recalling that fishing trip.

This is just one of many. I seem to be a magnet for the weird funny stuff. This is a tattoo story, but on someone else not me: http://janifreimann.blogspot.com/2013/03/an-odd-tattoo.html

@Jani, and you gotta ask yourself what was he thinking we he agreed to that tattoo? Funny!

After I graduated from college, I lived in an apartment building downtown. My best friend Frannie lived in the same building, and we spent a lot of time hanging out. This was before the internet and neither of us could afford cable so we had to make our own fun. Frannie's apartment had a window seat that looked out on the strip mall across the street. We had gotten the number of the payphone over there, and whenever anyone walked near the phone we'd call it.

One day a guy came out of the restaurant right next to the phone. We called, and he hesitated then answered. I said "hi there... I like that blue striped shirt you're wearing." He was surprised and he looked around suspiciously. I kept going. "It goes great with those denim shorts." After a few sconds of this he slammed down the phone and walked away...

toward another phone, about half a block away, which we could also see and which we also had the number for. When he was about 15 feet away from the second phone, we dialed the number. It was like something out of a movie - you could tell he didn't want to answer but was too curious to pass it up. Meanwhile Frannie and I are watching and whispering "oh please Jesus..."

He answered the phone. "Hello?" and I screamed "don't you EVER hang up on me again!" and we were laughing so hard I don't even know what he did.

John, that made me laugh!!! I could picture it clearly in my mind, those were the days when pay phones existed.

That reminds me a little prank I played on mother, well actually my father. I was like 15 yrs old My mother used to sew at home and she was in the Florida room one morning sewing away.

I went outside and I started throwing tiny little gravel pebbles at the sliding glass doors and every so often my mother would ease off the pedal and look around to see where the noise was coming from.

She was so dedicated that she would't stop to get up and see what it was, I would just giggle trying to be quite and continue, turns out my father was home that day and she must have gotten his attention while sewing and told what was going on.

I kept throwing the little pebbles and I could hear my mother saying some thing but I was having to much fun and laughing.

I threw another pebble and all of a sudden I see my father running across the Florida room towards the sliding glass doors as he heard the peddle, he came running so fast he didn't realize the glass doors were shut and he smacked into them so hard I thought they broke, all of a sudden my laughter turned to fear, so after my father cursed at me I could see he also thought it was funny and we all had a great laugh.

Bob, John and Mario, those stories are great little anecdotes that illustrate just how utterly ironic life can sometimes be.

I have a very short one, told to me by my mother, in which my father played the starring role.

Not long before I was born, my mom and dad drove from Lansing, Michigan, to Chicago to pick up my aunt - my mother's sister - who had been visiting there with our relatives. On their way downtown, my father, a restaurateur, decided to treat the gals to the fare at a famous eatery, somewhere at the top of a skyscraper.

In the crowded elevator, my father began shuffling and fidgeting, as if he were anxious about the long ride up. My mom was attempting to calm him when suddenly, he let loose a great, long fart.

My mother said the elevator got so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. Moments passed, until right out of the blue, an English gentleman in the back asked, "Did someone say hello?"

My mom told me she laughed so hard she peed her pants!

My son and daughter in law lived with us for a while about 8 years ago. We were getting new eaves trough installed on the house that week, but we were not sure which day they would show up.

My daughter in law decided to have a shower upstairs one afternoon(it is a 2 story house n the country) when I heard this scream, and she came running out of the bathroom at the same time my hubby and I ran upstairs and we all smashed into each other as we thought something terrible had happened. She turns around in her towel and says to me "I want my 5 bucks, this guy just got a free show". We didn't realize that the eaves trough installers had shown up and simply set their ladders up to get to work, and the ladders were at the bathroom window which was not frosted being in the country and on the second floor (and this little window is right in the shower stall).

We decided that maybe it was time to get the window frosted... I don't know who was more scared... my daughter in law or the guy on the ladder who came running in to say he didn't realize she was in the shower and his face was beet red. They had set ladders up all around the house and it just so happened that this ladder ended up at the bathroom window. They were there for a couple of days, and this guy stayed on the ground cutting up the metal!

Patrick, that was funny, still laughing!!!
Diane, funny , funny story! I love it.

I used to work long hours and one day getting ready for work and I was drag butt tired and instead of using hairspray that was next to the bathroom mirror I used lysol by accident. In my defense they both looked alike to tired eyes.

another

When I was in college and trying to be cute in the cafeteria I was hanging out with my friend at a table when 3 cute guys walked up to talk to us and I guess one guy meant for his pick up line to be funny and it was. I laughed so hard I spewed chewed eggs all over him and his friends...I wanted to die.

Melissa, at least you were assured of being 99.99% germ free for the day.Lol

Your stories keep reminding me of other stories, One of my favorite recipes to make is a blue crab red pasta sauce and linguine, it's not an easy dish to make lots of steps and prep work, anyway one day I was making it and it takes like a full half cup of sugar in the sauce, I make big batches when I make it, I mistook salt for sugar and threw a whole half cup of fine salt into the sauce and ruined it.

I joined FAA and thought I would sell lot's of prints! LOL!

Rich

I went AWOL from the Army for 3 weeks because I did not want to fight in America's filthy war in Vietnam. When I came back to the Army, I was told I could not go to Vietnam because I went AWOL. ahahhahahha...I was busted 3 ranks but within one year I was promoted back to Spec 4 (by a very nice Korean/American Sergeant).

I was told I was going to Vietnam again, but I told First Sergeant I had only 2 months to go, so I couldn't go (you needed a year in Vietnam at that time)...He was soooo mad. lol.,,

I eventually received an Honorable Discharge. I then began a successful career for the (get this) Federal government. hahahahahha

Oh, and while working for the Federal government (as a photographer) I married one of the top execs in our headquarters, a nice thin English/Scottish Lady. lol....

Robert, life has it that you can't make up stories like that if you tried.

Mario.. a half cup salt.. ack! I bet it took a minute to get that taste out of your mouth.

I live in Georgia where there are a lot of back dirt roads. Well it was date night and I was 17. He decided to take a 'short cut' and not only got us lost in the woods but stuck in a ditch trying to turn the car around. I was so mad and scared (too many Friday 13th movies). Till this day mama won't believe that it was an innocent mistake and that there weren't any shenanigans goin' on.

We had gone to Costa Rica on vacation with the family and my daughter wanted to go horseback riding. None of us had ridden before and my husband really wasn't happy about it but we gave it go. It was evening and we knew we couldn't go for long as it would be getting dark soon. Well we started riding very gently along the beach and thought it wasn't so bad but we were having some issues controlling the horses and trying to make them go the way we wanted not the way they wanted, which was because we had no clue what we were doing.

Anyway the nice gentle path changed as they took us through the jungle and then to our horror up a mountain. The trail was so close to the edge of the mountain we thought we were done for sure. We were scared to death but couldn't turn around as there was no room. So we make it to the top, stop for a few minutes and then we have to go back down and its starting to get dark and the darn horses were in a hurry and we thought we were going to die and we started laughing (in terror) and I ended up wetting my pants.

We finally get down the mountain and back to the beach but my husbands horse was not in the mood to be good and it took off down the road a bit, we are all following him and the guides were yelling at him to stop and he couldn't control it and the horse with him on it, ended up on someones front porch with a very low roof and my husband had to duck real low so he could keep his head on his shoulders. The horse stopped there and my husband turned his head to look in the house and by this time we were all there as well, and was so embarrassed because the people in the house were just staring at him like he was from mars. Well we all started laughing so hard, even the guides, that I now wasn't the only one with wet pants! To this day, we still talk about that crazy ride and my husband looking so funny on this horse, on someones porch and almost everyone wetting their pants!

I am really enjoying your stories and having a few good laughs.

Here is another that just came to mind, I was maybe 18 and was working at a cardboard factory and I would get off at midnight, my sister in law was staying with us in my parents home because I think my brother was working the night shift that night or something. I drove a Vespa scooter and had one of those full head helmets with the full face glass shield.

I would kill the scooter motor just before turning into the back yard so as not to wake anyone. The back yard of the townhouse was fenced and I would coast the scooter in and park it. I walk over to the sliding glass door still with my helmet on and I'm standing there in front of the glass doors and see my sister in law watching TV, I just Tap on the glass to not make a lot of noise to get her attention and when she sees me she freaks out, I mean freaks out, every one in the house wakes and I'm there still with my helmet on trying to tell her it's me, it was terrible because she was very pregnant but it was funny also, turns out she thought I was some kind of spaceman or something with the helmet on.

When I was stationed in Korea I received a call and pretended I was Korean. The phrase I kept repeating was pretty much the equivalent of o.k. in English. This went on for about 5 minutes until I realized it was the local FedEx office who were trying to contact me about a shipment. I can't remember what it was that clued me in that it was an important call and immediately started talking English.

As a young Airman I was on watch in the Maintenance Office and the Executive Officer of the carrier called and basically told me to come down and pick up something. Without knowing who it was i asked why he couldn't bring it to the maintenance office. He quickly said, "this is the XO, let me speak to Commander Jones!"

One final sea story:
My first duty station and its just me, the chief, and the Master Chief in the shop. Chief told me to go make coffee. So, I grab the pot and find the nearest spickett. Fill it up, add coffee, and plug it in. Everyone is just itching for the light to come on. It comes on and they pour their first cup for the day. Simultaneously, they spit the coffee out and say WTF! Long story short is I had no clue there was salt water and fresh water lines. I used salt water.

Craig, I hope the Chief had a sense of humor, I guess he did or you would be telling a different story. Lol

My son is a comedian in the making. He moves his body like Jim Carey and is has great facial expressions.

Sometimes his funny stuff is unintentional.
He was young and still in a car seat. I had strapped him in and went into the house to grab something I had forgotten. Next thing I know he's crying and saying, 'Mommy help me.'
Before I could get to him, I noticed that he was coming into the house still crying out for me to help him. My thoughts were, how the heck did he get out of his car seat and why would he need help?
He turned the corner and I could finally see him. He was hunched over with the car seat still attached to his body. He looked like a turtle.
When I laughed, he said, 'It's not funny.' But I told him, 'Oh, yes, it is.' He began to laugh too. Somehow he figured out how to undo the seatbelt that holds the car seat in.

Jani, children do the darndest things, my son when he was maybe 2 or 3yr old, now I'm going back because he is 30 now, but he took my car keys and proceeded to insert one of the keys into an electrical outlet, yes he did, it sparked big time and made a hole in the metal key, thank God nothing happened to him but a very stunned look on his face, that was the day we bought outlet covers for every outlet in the house and secured the lower cabinets doors.

Once when I when out to dinner with my 1st. wife to a nice restaurant by the water side that had a pier, a very nice place popular and very busy, while waiting to be called for our table we were making the rounds along the pier and my wife a bit hungry see's a small dispensing machine and ask me for a coin to get some trail mix and she gets the trail mix and starts eating it until I ask her how's the fishy's food taste which is when she finally spit it out.

Another time we were at the beach just wading around in waist deep water when a good sized fish jumped clean out of the water and smacked my wife in the face leaving one nice slap mark.

@Mario, they were not laughing at the time but I was fresh out of Boot Camp!

So, were we on Det at NAS Key West. There was this outside Pizza joint. So, were were chatting with this big bloke from Canada and he kept putting me in a head lock and kinda twisting my neck. I was getting frustrated but he kept going on an on about how we were buddies and so on. I guess they play a little rough North of the border. We were all drunk and laughing etc. So, someone picked up a ticket that was lying on the counter and told me to see if we get lucky! Sure enough the number is called. We grab the Pizza and take off. The next day some other guys told us how pissed our Canadian buddy was when he found out we snagged his pizza! .

Serves him good.lol

Yes, they do, Mario. Gotta keep your eyes on them. You turn your back and next thing you know they're tasting bird poop because they thought it was ice cream. Yes, my son did that. Afterwards, he tried desperately to get the poop off his tongue saying, 'Get it off, get it off', but it sounded more like, 'Geh eh ah, geh eh ah!' because he had his tongue sticking out.

This One was not funny at the time, I think I was 8 or 9 and out with my buddies, we played army with BB guns in a train tunnel, the rules were shoot below the waist only, well I get shot in my mouth and the BB broke out 2 of my front teeth OOCHHHH! my friend that shot me starts crying, I'm crying, we walk out of the train tunnel still crying and I happen to look up and I see this pigeon and this pigeon flies at full speed right into a telephone pole, it must have snapped it's neck and comes tumbling down, what do three boys do but while still crying start laughing about the pigeon. I was not supposed to be playing with one of my friends so I told my parents I was playing football in the cemetery and fell on a tombstone, I was an adult before I ever told them the truth about what happened that day.

This is a great thread, but since I work in science, nothing funny ever happens. Oh wait, once I was driving home; it takes about an hour since I work in a very remote area. There was a person in front of me that I couldn't believe was driving so slow. I thought at first it might be a mentally challenged individual. I finally got the chance to pass but decided to pass very slowly and act retarded as I passed the complete moron in front of me. It just so happened that it was my new boss, a doctorate in math and nuclear chemistry. Wow, who was the mentally challenged person in that situation? That poor man didn't like me much at first.

When my son was about 3, we took him to the Newport Aquarium on the Oregon coast for the first time. We got to the outdoor section where they had a food cart set up, and walking along right next to this cart was the fattest squirrel I had ever seen. He was obviously storing up more than just nuts for the winter by the looks of him. The poor thing couldn't do much more than just plod slowly along looking for food that was dropped or left behind. My son thought he was so adorable, and before I knew what was happening, he ran over to the squirrel and was reaching down to pet him. I yelled at him to stop because I didn't want him to get bit, but I must have scared my son with the sharp tone of my voice because as soon as he heard me he straightened right up and literally punted that poor fat squirrel a good few feet. The squirrel was fine, but everyone was looking at my sweet little boy as though he had devil horns growing out of his head. Meanwhile, he was just standing there shaking from his close call from what he now thought was a dangerous wild animal. (Why else would Mommy yell?) We quickly made our way out of the area, but I overheard one little girl tell her mom, "There's the squirrel kicker!" We laugh about it now, but at the time, my son was completely traumatized.

That was an incredibly funny story, April.

The stories have been very funny, I hope they keep coming, watching the world news with all the wars, pestilence, atrocities, earth quakes, etc...we really need some thing to laugh about to avoid crying.

such a fun post! thanks Mario, have had a good lagh already and still have many more stories to go through :)
now, let me think about a story, then finding a good English to tell you all ^^

Thanks, Lisa! It was even funnier when I posted about it on my old blog and included a photo of the (obviously deserving and bloodthirsty) squirrel*:



*MAY have been altered a teeensy bit.

We used to eat squirrels back in the day! Fry em in some southern spices and smother em in some gravy . Goes nice with some buttermilk biscuits.

Taste like chicken...

April, the squirrel is possessed!

Thank you for all the laughs...I needed that. The possessed vampire squirrel is quite good. Have you tried to sell that? Make sure you tell about the punt...extremely funny!

They took the video down! Someone apparently kicked a squirrel off into the Grand Canyon.

http://www.usatoday.com/story/news/nation/2014/08/03/grand-canyon-probing-squirrel-kicking-video/13559673/

Yes, the vampire squirrel was obviously possessed. Why else would my sweet, innocent, angelic boy kick him? He was clearly protecting us!

Craig, that's terrible! And needlessly cruel. Not like this. This was necessary...

That's one big squirrel!

I remember when I was about eight, putting grapes in my father's work boots.
I still chuckle about it when I happen to think of it.

April, how could you? I tried not to laugh. Wow that was just wrong!!

Here's a couple from way back, when I was working as a police officer, I showed up to roll call one morning in full uniform but I forgot my gun at home.

Once I was on duty but having lunch at burger king and when I finished with my tray I emptied in the trash bin, keys to the police cruiser and all, to make matter worse I get an emergency call, I had to throw the trash out on the floor in the burger king to get my keys.

Once again on duty for some reason I drove into this parking lot to make a turn, the parking lot had spikes as you enter it , I didn't notice, there was not a gate to enter but then when you leave it had a gate unattended that you needed to pay, again at the worst moment I get an emergency call, had to call for a back up to bring me some change so I could exit the parking lot.

When my son was probably around 2 (just the age where they start putting words together into sentences), I was trying to teach the pleases and thank yous. We were out camping and I was holding a bag of potato chips, munching on a few. He comes over and starts reaching for the chips. So, I say to him "What do you say?" thinking he will say "please." Instead he looks at the chips, then he looks at me and says "I want the whole bag!"

Another time, same child, and I'm making homemade pizza for dinner. There are little piles of sliced mushrooms, bell peppers, etc. on the kitchen counter in preparation to be pizza toppings. He's too little to reach them, so he's making efforts and grunting noises trying to get his hands on them. Again, I say "What do you say?" again trying to prod a "please" out of him. This time he looks me straight in the eye and says "I love you Mom!" Needless to say, he got some snacks! And he managed to learn manners despite his resistance. (He's 17 now)

Once during the middle of the night we awoke to several loud sounds (thuds) from our hallway. I jumped to my feet ready to face whatever I saw and combat it. I ran to the hallway and flipped on the light. On the floor I saw our soaking wet cat looking sadly up at me. Apparently, her nightly routine consists of jumping into the bathtub. This time however, our son forgot to let the water out. After I managed to stop laughing I explained the loud noise to the rest of the family. We still laugh about this today.

I've read about people losing their underwear while walking down the street, and really wondered how in the world that could be possible. Now I know.
I was doing some early morning grocery shopping in the local Safeway. On the way in to the store, my leg felt funny and I glanced down at it, but thought maybe my hiking boot was catching the hem of my jeans and pulling on it a little. I wandered around the store picking up the things I needed, when something caught my eye near the floor. I looked down and saw that I had been schlepping a pair of underwear, hanging halfway out of my pant leg at this point, up and down the aisles. With each step, they were slowly making their way to freedom. I quickly reached down and grabbed them and stuffed them in my pocket. I have no idea how many people saw me or the underwear.
I now always throw a softner sheet in the dryer to control static cling!

I joined FAA thinking I would sell some of my photographs.

I think that having the ability to laugh at things we find funny is a very enjoyable, but having the ability to laugh at ourselves is what keeps us mentally sane when living in an insane world.