It is a Long Road Back to Childhood

I didn't recall writing that last blog about my sister. I just re-read it and realize that a change was truly sparked. Though I have embarked on that mission to become what my child self envisioned for me to become, it is a long bumpy road.

Being an adult comes with so much responsibility that isn't considered when a child is creating her future self. The conditioning is just the tip of the iceberg, then there are the literal addictions to deal with, survival, bills, kids, inner demons, negative thoughts... All that is enough to make me say " I give up!" If I can be patient I might be the woman my four year old self expected me to be by the time I am a grandmother. Currently my struggle is self-love and no compromising on food addictions. Interesting that almost immediately after I wrote that last blog my life was completely turned upside down. Circumstance led us to move to a whole new state and we were thrust into a radically different lifestyle and climate. It took it's tole on my emotional security in a very negative way. After 2 years, that I swear were more like 3 or 4, I am finally coming out of the depression and regaining security. I want to start writing this blog frequently to help record the transformation. I tend to feel like my progress is utterly stagnant when in truth I am always improving in small ways. I tend to focus on the negative rather than the positive.

I suppose the best record would include a synopsis of the Ladibug to be, the end product of the transformation and where I am at right now.

Right now I am a pescatarian (a vegetarian that eats fish), I smoke a lot of weed (actually, I quit smoking it today but I ate some today), I sometimes eat candy, junk food and drink alcohol. I'm generally over emotional, pessimistic and paranoid. I have bad anxiety and insecurity. I care way too much about what others think of me, in particular how I make others uncomfortable with my unique/extreme view of what my diet and lifestyle should be. I watch more t.v. than I would like (but at least it is limited to movies and self-help type shows- Supernanny, 19 Kids...) I know the benefits of meditation and yoga but hardly ever do it. I can have a short temper with my kids at times. I have way too much stuff, pack rat but not quite hoarder. On the upside; I am ambitious, honest, generous, upbeat and kind. I have enough self confidence to start my own business and charge what I am worth. I am getting more organized and focusing on artistic talents that sell, and benefit us as a whole. I am a good mom and wife and work hard to keep up the home. In an effort to be selfless I neglect my needs which leads me to be emotionally selfish.

Now the person I want to be doesn't eat animals. She only smokes weed or drinks on rare and special occasions. She'll never eat commercialized candy, junk food or gmos. Her diet will be 95% from her own garden, mostly raw. Ladibug of the future won't make trash to be "thrown out" all waste will be re-used, re-cycled or composted. She will be emotionally balanced, happy, optimistic, secure and silly. She won't watch commercial television/cable and limit tv use to a select library of movies or shows. She'll do yogo, meditation and "free" running every week. There will be an art studio for all supplies and other items will be limited, her house won't be cluttered. Her art will be sought after and be produced more frequently. Her business will have even more to do with bettering the world and culture of consumerism. She will be a calm, patient person when dealing with children and others. She will have embraced her true essence and departed from any societal conditioning. She will have mastered the art of self love and care with out depriving those who need her.

The content of the next blog will likely be about my journey to quit smoking.

Until next time,
Ladibug Love