Two Line Jokes: The Good, The Bad And The Ugly

No responses yet. Is it because this thread has nothing to do with ART? Let me start over:

What's a pirate's favorite school subject?
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrt

Two-liners are usually real groaners... so here's a few...

I remember a guy who was addicted to brake fluids.
He said he could stop any time.

I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance.
So I pushed her over.

I hate Russian dolls,
they're so full of themselves.

What happened when the iron was invented?
There was a press conference.

Whiteboards are remarkable... (technically a one-liner i think)

A friend posted this on FB a little while ago:

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.

Poor bastard.




---------------
~ Bill
~ US Pictures .com

Waitress at airport restaurant: Are you ready to order?

Pilot: Yes, I'll just have a plane burger.

Sir, I believe you are drunk!

Yes Madam, I am, but your ugly and in the morning I will be sober!

My art teacher just accused me of plagiarism.

His words, not mine.




---------------
~ Bill
~ US Pictures .com

What took you so long to just walk around the block?

There's a new sign, it says SLOW DOWN

The puzzle box said: "3 to 5 years". Not very challenging, it only took me two weeks!

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

There are two kinds of people in the world..
There are those who divide people into two categories and there are those who don't...

Catagorically speaking!

How do you drown a hipster?

Throw him in the mainstream!

Ill just appologize now and get it overwith..........

Q. Do you do nude photography ?

A. No, I usually keep my clothes on.

Why do babies get whacked on the bottom when they're born?

To knock the weenies off the smart ones.

0:)

:::flee:::

Oh, Susan. LOL

at a fast food eatery:

Q: what would you like

A: food

Whut? 0:)

Want to hear a word I just made up?

Plagiarism

There is no need to apologize here. This is a safe place to let your inner 10 year old out....or in Susan's case, your inner smarty pants. :-)

Whut? 0:)

:::::::pinning a first place ribbon on Susan's joke:::::::
Oh wait.. Is this a contest?

It is now!

:::snatches pretty blue ribbon and runs off mumbling "mineminemine allllllllll mine!"::::

What did one ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.

Hey, where's that glue I lent you?

Take it easy, Elmer, I'll return it.

I told my husband he was immature.
He told me to get out of his fort.

In a bar :-
Blonde 1 to Blond 2 "You see those two men over there ? Well the one on the right is my husband and the one on the left is my lover".
Blonde 2 to Blonde1 "What a coincidence! For me it's the other way round".

I have bad eyesight,
so I dont see the point.


Turn right on red, but go one of three ways on green.
So it is simpler in real terms to go on red.


I saved my first dollar.
I dusted it off the other day.


I became a digital artist, not to save on film,
but to save on the camera.

Dave

What did the black bug say as it slid down the zebras back?
Now you see me, now you don’t, now you see me, now you don’t.

Swami: What is it?
Visitor: I see you guru a beard.

Swami: Why do you want to be able to levitate?
Visitor: There's nothing like a little levity.

OK... let's see how many answers you guys know to the question.....

What is black and white and red all over?

Let me get the original one out of the way

A newspaper.

A black and white TV that someone spilled Kool-Aid or Jello on.

Well Ken.... that is one that I have not heard before.... LOL

Sublime, right?

Hmmm sub lime jello? I'll have to try that ;O)

When my daughter was around 16 she came home and told me about a line a guy tried on her. It went like this....

Guy: Did you just fart?
Daughter: No
Guy: Well, you just blew me away!

And I bet you can guess. Definitely no date. :-)

Lol... It could be retro-modern art.

Swami: What is it now?
Visitor: Why did the chicken cross the road...?

Tim, I meant the black and white TV with Kool-Aid could be
retro-modern art, I was typing, but these days you never know.
I'd say your daughter made the right decision there!

Why did the piece of gum cross the road?

It was stuck to the chicken's foot.

Tim,
ew

an embarrassed zebra....

Hollywood Squares:
Question to Paul Lynde - "Is it true that a naked couple went over Niagara Falls in a barrel?"
Paul Lynde answered, "Yes, and they made it all the way down!"

"I was born by cesarean birth. It hasn't effected me.
Except when ever I leave a room I use the window.

The don't do cesareans in Venice.
They get in boats and use the birth canal.

There are maternity wards on some cruise ships, I've heard.
You pay more for a first class berth.

I heard they finally located Jimmy Hoffa.

He was in the maternity ward organizing labor.

Paul Lynde! You're showing your age!

:x

Ummmm... I mean who's Paul Lynde?

0:)

One of Jimmy Hoffa's old girlfriends was on the cruise ship, about to deliver quadruplets.
They gave her a wide berth.

She got her own private state room, decorated in gold.
They gave her sister a private state room as well, decorated in blue. It was complimentary.

"Mommy, does Barbie come with Ken?" "No dear, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken"!

"Kim Kardashian was in labor for six hours, thus marking the first time the words Kardashian and labor have ever been used together in the same sentence."

Ricardo wins LOL

Yogi Master: One must chant daily.
Student : You mean like Chantix®?