Today's Humor

What do you call a Psychic little person who escapes from jail?
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Wait for it........
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A small medium at large!

I like yours Thomas ........LOL

Awesome Harold!

A doctor and his wife are preparing for a dinner party. The wife comes up and says the "the toilet isn't working, what should I do?". Call the plumber the doctor says. The plumber comes and in less than 5 minutes says "its fixed, that'll be $100". The doctor is outraged and says, "I'm a doctor and I don't even make that much!". The plumber says "that's why I'm not a doctor anymore".

This is even funnier if you've ever been raked over by a plumber.

Chuck, that one made me LMAO.

We were talking about frosted glass, but with all the confusion, I couldn't make it any clearer!

I am waiting for info on ear-wax problems: still haven't heard anything!

You know, you've got to take your hat off to brain surgeons!

I sold my Hoover: it was just gathering dust in a corner.

The stud-farm had to close: couldn't make ends meet.

A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."

A horse walks in to a bar.

The bartender looks up, "why the long face?"

An artist starts to tell jokes, his friends all begin to suffer.

Dave....artist at large......

Doctor: What seems to be the problem?

Snail: Well, I've been feeling a little sluggish.

Back in the day...

Walter Cronkite was anchoring the evening news when this story broke...

He said...

In Florida, there was a marine scientist, (an expert in genetics), who was experimenting with porpoises. In an interview, the scientist revealed that through gene splicing, he has been successful in having a porpoise being born with feet!!! Unfortunately, he said the poor little guy was being shunned by the other porpoises because of this abnormality and may soon die if an operation was not performed to remove the feet. He then elaborated about his dilemma by saying that if he performed the operation, he would be de-feeting his own porpoise!.

I made that joke when I was quite young and have been carrying it around with me for decades! Thanks for the opportunity to share it and I hope it wasn't too corny for a little smile. I usually tell the story doing a voice impression of Walter Cronkite. :)

Male or Female? You might not have known this, but a lot of non-living objects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:

FREEZER BAGS:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

PHOTOCOPIERS:
These are female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Button.


TIRES:
Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated


HOT AIR BALLOONS:
Also a male object, because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their butt.


SPONGES:
These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.


WEB PAGES:
Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.


TRAINS:
Definitely male, because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

EGG TIMERS:

Egg timers are female because, over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.


HAMMERS:
Male, because in the last 5000 years, they've hardly changed at all, and are occasionally handy to have around.


THE REMOTE CONTROL:
Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male, but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying.

Harold, and the rest of you this is a super funny thread... I'm not a joke teller, but I did bump into a mirror while Christmas shopping the other day and said "excuse me" to the mirror.

Well Lisa, you at least were well-mannered which is a reflection on you! ;)

The Pope passes away and goes up to heaven. When he gets there the angels give him a old canvas tent and cot, bread and water diet, and a rag for a blanket. But they give the Lawyer in line behind him a palace with servants and riches. The Pope turns to the angels and says, "I'm a Pope, you know?" To which the angels reply, "Yes, we know. We get a lot of Popes up here, but this is our first Lawyer."
-- mary ellen anderson

Why was Humpty Dumpty sad when winter came around?

Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

omg, Lisa...welcome to My world!

Knock knock.

Who's there?

To.

To who?

No. To whom.

At The Races

Two female teachers take a group of students from grades 1,2 and 3 for a field trip to
Flemington Racecourse in Melbourne Cup week. When it is time to take the children
to the “bathroom", it is decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys
with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys is waiting outside the men’s toilet when
one of the boys comes out and tells her that none of them can reach the urinal. Having no choice,
she goes inside, helps the little boys with their pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, and
even directing the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one boy up, she can’t help but notice
that he is unusually well developed. Trying not to show that she is staring, the teacher says,
“You must be in Grade 3?”






“No ma’am,” he replies. “I’m riding Black Caviar in the next race, but I really appreciate your help.”

Lisa,

I have to strongly disagree with you. This thread has been very sad.
All of these starving artists gave up a career in comedy. Image
how hungry they would be if they stuck it out?

Dave

Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?" The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie." The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing" "Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants The man says " I want a Million Bucks " The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head And the guy says to the other " Your genie realy sucks at hearing doesnt he?" The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"

This woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?" "What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth. "I think you’re bad luck....."

Brilliant Speeder...

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the
following exchange:

Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got
caught drunk driving.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I
saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was
putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and
killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her
in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain.
The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain
approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, can I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.

Captain: Who's car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see
if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you
said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped
you said you told him you didn't have a license,
stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and
that there was a dead body in the trunk.





Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying bastard told you I was
speeding, too!

An alien walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says " I'm sorry, but I think you've had enough, you look a little green".

> A man got this text from a neighbor.....

> I am so sorry, Steve... I've been
> riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to
> your wife, day and night when you're not around, in fact more than you can imagine.
> I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live
> with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my
> promise that it won't, ever happen again.

> The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his
> gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

> A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn spellcheck! I meant "wifi".

Jerry

Two dyslectic guys walk into a bra.

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies,











"Yes, I'm positive...!"

With apologies to any tax inspectors who might be reading......!

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of the local synagogue. While he was checking the accounts he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings"? Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles".

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer, but on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs"?

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits"

"I see", replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform"?

"Here, as well, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete d!ck"

A clown walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Are you kidding me?"

@ Bob - Who would have thought that joke had potential, but I got a charge out of it!

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This is a true story... I was in a bar and a guy asked me if I was AC or DC... I said I was EZ.

This being December 7th, it always reminds me of a joke by the comedian Rip Torn...

He says... "There was a guy who was half Black and half Japanese, and every December 7th, he would attack Pearl Baily!"

Someone gave me the wrong directions to a massage parlor — it rubbed me the wrong way.

John was having dinner with his wife at a fancy restaurant,.when a beautiful woman walked up to their table,.... she bent over and gave John a tender kiss on his cheek then went to a nearby table and sat alone.
Johns wife immediately said "Who the hell was that?"
John replied,...Oh,... that was Fred's mistress
Just then another gorgeous woman walked up to their table and she too kissed John on his cheek then went over and joined the other woman.
Johns wife exclaimed "And who was that woman?"
John replied,...I have to be totally honest with you,...that is my mistress!
His wife furiously exclaimed "I want a divorce as soon as possible"
John replied,...You know what that would mean darling,..you will lose your very generous weekly allowance, all of your credit cards ,the new Mercedes limousine and chauffeur, your stock options,..the 95 foot yacht I bought you, the summer estate in France, your new BMW convertible, your time share in Tahiti, unlimited private jet transportation not to mention your inheritance benefits.
Johns wife,...looks at John, then at the two women, then at her husband,...and,..very slowly said :,...........ours is prettier

The painting felt the sculpture took up too much space and was a bit rough around the edges.

The sculpture thought the painting shallow, and lacking in any real dimension.

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust.”





The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
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Aye, Matey.


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~ Bill
~ US Pictures .com

You guys are brightening my day!... keep them coming!