Co-dependent NO MORE

Does anyone else out there have severe, practically clinical issues with co-dependency (people pleasing)? I compromise so many of my beliefs and personality traits to try to make people happy with me... but it makes me MISERABLE! I am reading Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. It's a fantastic help for healing and my second time to read it. My mother gave it to me when I was having issues in high school, it had helped her heal when she was in her early twenties and recently divorced from my father. In high school I really improved with the read and this time around has really been a heavier learning experience.

I'm frustrated that I've found myself in a deep hole again, so I'm trying to make this time reading it REALLY count for the permanent difference. The issues with co-dependency definitely have a negative affect on my relationships/marriage and ability to function at peak. My husband has the same qualities and we are both struggling to be happy lately. It's funny, when we lived in the desert and were alone together all the time we sort of banned together and promised to help each other stop compromising our desires and happiness for pleasing others and making others feel comfortable. I don't think it occurred to us we needed to keep codependent behaviors in check in regards to each other too. That switched up on us slowly but surely and we now are in a big mess. The major importance of self-love is one of the main points made in the book. It's a main point in most self-help books I've read. "A Return to Love", "The power of NOW" ...

Why is it so hard to love ourselves? Mostly because we take so much too personally and join society, friends, family in criticism of ourselves. Every judgment anyone has ever had about me sort of replays in my mind constantly and my overly protective ego is trying to mold me into someone that won't make waves anymore. It's psychotic because it's impossible to stop making waves and live your divine purpose. It's one or the other and obviously I really want to live my purpose, not run around scared of everyone's inevitable judgments, including my family's. It's especially difficult to put aside what my spouse and family members will complain or criticize about me. I really do care about what they think and want them to love, like and enjoy me. I take their criticisms to the next level though, and try to avoid all together any situation or words that in the past have caused a conflict.

That has gotten me into a LOT of trouble in my marriage. My husband tries to describe it like he can't address any issue he has with me because it seems like it gradually chips away at the level of comfort and vulnerability I feel around him. But really he'd like to just express the problem and have me understand why he feels that way and have an appropriate verbal response; no personality change or ocd record of everything I do wrong... just a mature honest response to a problem that can become the past very quickly. That's exactly how I feel though, as if I could be my raw self with him in the beginning but over the years I've chipped away any quality I have that caused a problem, even just once. Eventually I am left with a shell of me that is generally silent, non-expressive, and submissive. I imagine this is a common problem for a lot of people. It's especially challenging for me to try to get back to my raw self and stay in the marriage; in the past I would just break up with the boy or friend object of my co-dependency and instantly be happy and me again. Fully expressive, raw, fiery, joyful, weird.... But this time I really really love my man and am desperate for another way to cope. Another way that in no way involves hurting him anymore than I already have.

Coping is all I must have done the first time I read the book. Now I am looking to heal completely and sincerely learn to love and forgive myself. I am really tired of replaying all the judgments in my mind like they matter that much and tired of being complacent in a lifestyle that doesn't suit me or my goals just to make others more comfortable. It's been a life-changing issue. I need to be able to just look at myself in the mirror and say, "You aren't perfect and you won't ever be. That is ok! I love you anyway and I forgive you for your short comings by your own standards but please stop trying to achieve the standards of others too. It's God that you really want to please, so love you and be the you He created." I want to say it and mean it and be transformed by it.