Modest Humor Thread

There you go:
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

Children are often spoiled because no one will spank Grandma.

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,
While you were all busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it!
Sincerely,
The Opportunist

I prayed all week for Friday to come and today, my prayers were finally answered!


I pray for patience, AND I WANT IT RIGHT NOW!!!

Modest? You mean clean? That sevrely limits the possibilities. However:

A man is walking down the street in a little mid-West town when he sees a farmer walking a pig on a leash. Not only that, but the pig has a wooden leg! He stops the farmer and asks "I've never see a pig with a wooden leg before. How did it happen?"

The famer says "Well, I'll tell you, this is no ordinary pig. A few years ago this pig went out on my back 40, pointed to a spot on the ground, I dug there, struck oil, I'm a rich man today thanks to this pig."

The guy says "That's amazing, but I still don't understand. Why does the pig have a wooden leg?"

The famer says "I told you, this is no ordinary pig. Why, just last year the house caught on fire in the middle of the night. The pig came in, woke up me and the missus, then picked up my little girl and carried her outside. This pig saved all our lives!"

The guy says "That's incredible, but I still don't understand. Why does the pig have a wooden leg?"

The famer says "I told you, this is no ordinary pig. A pig like this you don't eat all at once."

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were out sleeping on the prairie one night. Around 2Am Tonto woke the Lone Ranger up and said:

Kemosabi, look up. What you see?

The Lone Ranger rubbed his eyes, looked up and said "Well, I see a clear sky with lots of stars."

"What that mean to you Kemosabi"

"Hmmmm...Astronomically, it means there are billions of stars and millions of galaxies out there. Astrologically it means Leo is rising and mathematically it means we can't be the only life in the universe. Meterologically it means tomorrow will be a nice day."

He though for a moment and asked,

"What does it mean to you Tonto?" Tonto said,

"Kemosabi, you dumb as a buffalo chip. It mean someone stole tent!"

A man will run after a woman until she catches him.

Tony, yours reminded me of this old quip...

"I saw a woman in a sweater that was so tight, I could hardly breathe."

Just went to an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

Why men are happy people ;O)

• What do you expect from such simple creatures?
• Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours.
• Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack.
• You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
• You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
• The world is your urinal.
• You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
• You don't have to stop & think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
• Same work, more pay.. Wrinkles add character.
• Wedding dress $8,000.. Tux rental-$150.
• People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
• New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
• Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
• You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
• You can open all your own jars.
• You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
• If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
• Your underwear is $12.00 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
• You almost never have strap problems in public.
• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original colour.
• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
• You only have to shave your face & neck. You can play with toys all your life.
• One wallet & one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
• You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
• You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
• You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
• You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.

EATING OUT • When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and Harry will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.• When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators..

MONEY • A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.• A woman will pay$1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS • A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 137.A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS • A woman has the last word in any argument.• Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.• A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

MARRIAGE • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.• A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

NATURAL • Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.• Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING • Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.• A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing! SO, send this to the women who have a sense of humor & to the men who will enjoy reading it.

Q: How do you make a Kleenex dance?
A. Put some boogie in it

Hello everyone,...

Here's mine....


John was having dinner with his wife at a fancy restaurant,.when a beautiful woman walked up to thier table,.... she bent over and gave John a tender kiss on his cheek then went to a nearby table and sat alone.
Johns wife immediately said "Who the hell was that?"
John replied,...Oh,... that was Fred's mistress
Shortly thereafter, another gorgeous woman walked up to thier table and she too kissed John on the cheek then went over and joined the other woman.
Johns wife exclaimed "And who was that woman?"
John replied,...I have to be totally honest with you,...that is my mistress!
His wife furiously exclaimed "I want a divorce, and I want it as soon as possible"
John replied,...You know what that would mean darling,.....,..you will lose your very generous weekly allowance, all of your credit cards ,the new Mercedes limosine and cheauffer, your stock options,..the 95 foot yacht I bought you, the summer estate in France, your new BMW convertible, your time share in Tahiti,....and your complimentary private jet transportation not to mention your generous inheritance benefits.
Johns wife was steaming,....she,...looks at John, then at the two women, then at her husband again,... then,..very very slowly said :,...........ours is prettier "

A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says “Hey, you’re a handsome fellow.” The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels, and orders a fine Pilsner beer. The bowl of pretzels then says “Ooooh, a pilsner, great choice. You’re a smart man.” Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender “Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!” Bartender says.....







“Don’t worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary.”

Jokes for Intellectuals #1...

Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender asks if he wants a drinks. “I think not,” Descartes says. And then he disappears.

One more,....just for laughs.

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was waiting to see the service manager and look at his bike,.... when the mechanic shouted across the garage,
"Hey Doc, come over here,..you want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands and asked,
"So Doc, look at this engine here. I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I'm finished,
It works just like new.,......So how come I make $39,000 a year and you get the really big bucks, over a million bucks a year,..... when you and I are basically doing the same work?"
The cardiologist paused for a minute,....... smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...
''Try doing it with the engine running."

A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’
The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other. There your mother agreed to download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine month later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: You got male.'

Guy goes to his doctor and says...

"Doctor! I wake up every morning singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'"

Doctor says: "Ah! You have Tom Jones Syndrome."

Guy asks: "Is it very common?"

Doctor says "It's not unusual"

Jokes for Intellectuals #2...

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

Jokes for Intellectuals #2... variation...

A programmers wife sends him to the store and says "get some bread, and while you're there pick up some eggs" The programmer never came back.

My mom told me yesterday that when she had seen Ronald McDonald naked he had sesame seed buns

A biker couple was going to the bank to get a loan to buy a mobile home. The loan officer was in a bit of a bind-both had long hair, tattoos, sunglasses, black leather and headbands. He couldn't tell which was female! So he asked them, “Which of you has the menstrual cycle?" One biker replied, "Must be her…I ride a Harley."

95% of all Harleys made are still on the road. The rest made it home in one piece.

A young Honda rider walks into a bar, and trying to be friendly, he tells the burly bartender: “Hey, I heard a really funny Harley joke today. Wanna hear it?” The bartender sneers at him and says, “Look, pal. I ride a Harley. Big Bob over there rides a Harley. Jane, the gal with the tattoos all over, rides a Harley. Now, do you really want to tell that joke?”
The little guy replies, “Well, no, not if I have to explain it three times.”

A woman goes in to a library and says in a very loud voice A BURGER AND 2 FRIES PLEASE!!!

"Madam!" came the hushed rejoinder from the librarian. "This is a library!"

The lady slowly looks around and takes in her surroundings...

"A burger and 2 fries" she whispers!!!

Jacques Chirac, the French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "Theez eez indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there's meself, me cousin Sean, me next-door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorrah!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would zat be, Paddy?" asks Chirac.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" exclaims Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no blimy way we can feed 200,000 prisoners".

Dalai Llama and Mayor Bloomberg go to a hot dog stand in NYC. Mayor Bloomberg gets his usual. Vendor turns to Llama and asks what he wants on his veggie dog.
Llama thinks about it and replies:...






“Make me one with everything”

Jokes for Intellectuals #3

Two atoms are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, “I think I’ve lost an electron.” The other asks “Are you sure?” To which the first replies, “I’m positive.”