Good Jokes Department

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

Love that joke, Christine...I can still hear my Dad tell it..one of his faves!

A few old couples used to get together to talk about life and to have a good time. One day one of the men, Harry, started talking about this fantastic restaurant he went to the other night with his wife. “Really?”, one of the men said, what’s it called? After thinking for a few seconds Harry said, “what's that good smelling flower called again?” “Do you mean a rose? the first man questioned. “Yes that’s it,” he exclaimed. Looking over at his wife he said, “Rose what’s that restaurant we went to the other night?”

funny all three jokes......

A horse comes into ta bar,
the bartender looks up and says,
"why the long face?"

I know not much, I am in a rush out the door.

Dave

OMG, Joy, that is my world these days! love it!

David,
no fair stealing BAD jokes from the BAD jokes department.

Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

John was having dinner with his wife at a fancy restaurant,.when a beautiful woman walked up to their table,.... she bent over and gave John a tender kiss on his cheek then went to a nearby table and sat alone.
Johns wife immediately said "Who the hell was that?"
John replied,...Oh,... that was Fred's mistress
Just then another gorgeous woman walked up to their table and she too kissed John on his cheek then went over and joined the other woman.
Johns wife exclaimed "And who was that woman?"
John replied,...I have to be totally honest with you,...that is my mistress!
His wife furiously exclaimed "I want a divorce as soon as possible"
John replied,...You know what that would mean darling,..you will lose your very generous weekly allowance, all of your credit cards ,the new Mercedes limousine with chauffeur, your stock options,..the 95 foot yacht I bought you, the summer estate in France, your new BMW convertible, your time share in Tahiti, unlimited private jet transportation not to mention your inheritance benefits.
Johns wife,...looks at John, then at the two women, then at her husband,... then,..very slowly said :,...........ours is prettier "

Jacques Chirac, the French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "Theez eez indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there's meself, me cousin Sean, me next-door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begorrah!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would zat be, Paddy?" asks Chirac.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs, amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" exclaims Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr.Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no freekin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners"

Mr. "I'll take my breakfast on the veranda."
Mrs. "Go ahead"

The agnostic dyslexic insomniac would stay awake at night, wondering if there was a dog.

I don't know any good jokes, I'm going to have to stick to the
"Bad jokes Department."

Christine,

Went out to dinner with my parents tonight. My mother thinks that jar joke
is the funniest thing she has heard in a long time.

She generally does not tell jokes. My dad always has said tell a joke
right away to memorize the joke. I went to the bathroom in the restaurant.
When I got back to the table mom was practicing the joke with dad listening.

I think she is going to tell it to several of her friends.

Dave

Marlene,

I will wait 24 hours so my excuse for not taking it down will be the FAA system wont let me.

Really bad joke I know, but HAY!!

Dave

Sorry I can't resist:

David, does that mean we'll have to wheat for 24 hours, till the next joke? I can barley wait... oat, the suspense is killing me...

(I SAID I don't know any GOOD jokes...!)

Sorry Cheryl,

My humor is meant for people who appreciate the finer things in life. LOL

what is it?

Mares eat oats, goats eat oats, and little lambs eat ivy? straightened that out.....

I could not process that till I was age 30. It all ran together.

DAve

This is not for the easily offended.
Turn back now. You have been warned.

There's a line of nuns in heaven, waiting to go through the Pearly Gates.
But before they can enter, they must first confess their sins to St. Peter...

The first nun steps up and admits that she once saw a penis.
"Well" says St. Peter, motioning toward a basin of holy water, "rinse your eyes of their impurity, and you may enter."
The nun splashes some water on her face and proudly enters the Kingdom.

The next nun steps up admitting that she once touched a penis.
"Well" exclaims St. Peter, "wash your hands of their impurity and go forward."
The nun washes her hands vigorously before passing through the glorious gates.

Just as the next nun approaches the basin, one from the back of the line comes running up shouting,
"Wait a minute! Can I gargle before Sister Mary sticks her ass in the water?"

Joe Burgess
J.B. Imagery

Joe, if this thread gets shut down, it's all YOUR fault!
ok, well I choked a little before I laughed....

I was hesitant to post it, but figured as hilarious as that jar joke was, I was probably swimming in the same water.
Plus, I haven't told it for a while, so it was just itching to come out.

Joe Burgess
J.B. Imagery

Think a gallon of gas is expensive?

This makes one think, and also
puts things in perspective. *

Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ....... $10.32 per gallon
Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 .......$9.52 per gallon
Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 ..... $10.17 per gallon
Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 ........ $10.00 per gallon
Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 ........ $33.60 per gallon
Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 .... $178.13 per gallon
Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 ... $123.20 per gallon
Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ........ . $25.42 per gallon
Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 $84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER...
Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon?! $21.19 for WATER -
and the buyers don't even know the source.
(Evian spelled Backwards is Naive.)
*So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car doesn't run on
water, Scope, or Whiteout, or God forbid, Pepto Bismol or Nyquil.

I bought a 3 piece bikini this week.
It has a top,
a bottom
and a blind fold for you.

About the white bikini that fell in the paint buckets? It was fit to be tie-dyed.

Then there was the guy who swam upriver and snagged his swim trunks on a submerged tree limb... he got them back, very waterlogged.

Jani, ROFLMAO!!!!!!

1 brother who was in jail was talking to his other brother (as I was told these were Australian aborigines). The one in jail asked his brother if his wife had had their baby yet. The free brother responded - yes she had, but I had to come up with a name really quickly. The father got all excited - what did you name it. I name her Denice. Well the father in jail responded - Denice, not what I would have picked, but I can live with it. The other brother said wait there' s'more, you also had a twin boy. What did you name him? I named him Danephew.


Since my brother told us this joke he has always refers to our kids as the daniece and Danephew.

Wish it was my joke. It's from Wendy Leibman. She's hilarious. She's petite and has a permagrin throughout her jokes which only makes them funnier.
Another one of hers:

I was talking to this guy on a plane and I knew he wanted me to shut up because he looked at me and said, "Shut up!"
I can understand. He was busy...
trying to fly the plane...and really, really focused...
on the Vodka in his hands.

One from my nephew:

It's not cool for you to ride my butt when I'm going 15 mph over the speed limit.
And the flashing lights don't make you look cool either.

That was his FB status. His way of saying he got a speeding ticket.

A woman and her husband were shopping at the grocery store. The man picked up a case of beer and placed it in the cart.
"What do you think you're doing?" Asked the wife.
"It's on sale, 24 cans for $15.00. It's a good buy.", the husband stated.
"Put it back, we don't need it"
The husband did as he was told and the couple continued shopping. A little while later the wife picked up a $30.00 jar of face cream and placed it in the basket.
"What do you think you're doing?" , asked the husband.
It's my beauty cream, it makes me beautiful" explained the wife.
The man quickly replied "So does the beer and it costs half as much!"

Karyn,....that's called,...Open mouth,...Switch feet,... for that husband.....game over!!!!

An Irish artist walked out of a pub....... ( It COULD happen ! )

An old Italian Mafia "Don" is dying lying in his death bed and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38 revolver so you always a remember me."

"But, Grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife,

lotsa money, a bigga house and maybe a couple a bambinos.

Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find your wife inna bed with another man.

Whadda you gonna do then ....eh,... Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times a up'?"

Head Lines :
A midget artist is charged with rapping a 5'-11" woman. Police suspect someone put him up to it. ...Film at eleven.

For those of my older generation (like me) who do not really
comprehend the need for Facebook:

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while
applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I walk down the street and tell the passers-by
what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before, and
what I will do tomorrow.

Then, I give them pictures of my family, my dog, me gardening, and
spending time in my pool. I also listen to their conversations, and I
tell them I love them.

And, it works.

I already have three persons following me ... two police officers and
a psychiatrist.

I wonder if Gramps had incontinence issues at some point in his old age, perhaps when he told this one:
Definition of apathy: When you pee in your pants, and don't care which leg it runs down.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.

My neighbor visits his dentist and the Dr. says I've good news and bad. Neighbor says good news first,OK ? Your teeth are in great shape,you ready for the bad news? Yup. Your gums have to come out ! Bleh.

Will I Live to see 90?

Here's something to think about. I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I'm approaching 84.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 90?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor? 'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?' I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?' 'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?' 'No,' I said...

He looked at me and said.. 'Then, why do you even give a sh*t?'

What do you have when a 4'5" pyschic esacpes from prison?

A small medium at large!

There is a separate thread for bad jokes!

Andy: One man's bon mot is another's rotten poisson.

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

Matt!!!!

Ouch Andy!

Did you hear about the newest Shark Week movie on the Discovery Channel? It's entitled "Eat, Prey, Lunch."

The client grumbles, "I've had an awful day. Tell me the good news."

"Your wife invested £5,000 in two pictures today. She believes they are worth at least £3 million."

"Well done!" the tycoon says with a big smile. "Good news indeed! You've made my day. So what's the bad news?"

"The two pictures are of you with your secretary."


C'mon

What's the difference between pea soup and roast beef?

Anyone can roast beef!

Eeeuuuwwww

A class of 8 year olds are discussing the birds and the bees. A girl in the front of the room raises her hand, and the teacher says "yes?". The girl asks "can you have a baby at 30 years old?", the teacher says "of course". The girl asks "can you have a baby at 21?", the teacher replies "absolutely". The girl asks "can you have a baby at 14?", the teacher replies "well, it's possible". Then the girl asks "can you have a baby at 8?", the teacher says "no". A little boy at the back of the room jumps up and says "I told you we had nothing to worry about!!!".

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks.
He wanted a new truck.
She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand-new bathroom scale.

He's still recovering in the hospital.

Kim Kardashian:

"I just announced my pregnancy.

How could Bruce do that to me?"

No joke, Ricardo....Caitlyn really grabbed Kims spotlight.....and I loved it!

:)

A group of amateur comedians went out for dinner at a fine restaurant to celebrate a great open mike night. The entire operation was successful. Mike remembered to invite the surgeon after the amnesia wore off.

Turned out the surgeon was a stitch, but not everyone appreciated his cutting humor, especially after he started venting his spleen at the dinner table.

During dessert, one of the comedians turned blue in the face, grabbed his throat, and fell out of his chair onto the floor coughing. Alarmed, his friends asked, "What's the matter? Are you ok?" The comedian replied, "No worries, I was just joking -- only a small bit of funny bone stuck in my throat."

The concerned restaurant manager offered him a drink while he was still lying on the floor, but he rejected it, said it was low glass, drinking on the floor. Manager replied "It's ok, it's on the house!" but he still declined because he was afraid of climbing ladders.

His friend, a carpenter, lost his temper, he just went through the roof, so to pacify him the manager allowed him to claim the drink. He wanted a toast, as well, but he never made it back into the restaurant -- after he climbed down off the roof, he tried to come in the back door, and got stuck in a jamb.

A lonely painter went to the animal shelter, looking for a canine companion, and adopted a beautiful dog that barked constantly.

Shelter Attendant: "Why did you choose this dog? She is very pretty, and healthy, but to tell the truth, we will be kind of glad to be rid of her, she's very noisy."

Painter: "Because I she loves my art! There is no dog in all the world who could be more perfect for me!"

Attendant: "How do you know she loves your art? She's never even seen it."

Painter: "The moment I walked into the room, she demanded to see my art. And listen, even now you can still hear her: 'Art! Art! Art! Art!"

"If I were a professional comedian I'd roast Kim Kardashian. If I were a cannibal I'd roast her chunky sister Khloe." (Bobbie Jo Mays)

"If I were a professional comedian I'd roast Kim Kardashian. If I were a cannibal I'd roast her chunky sister Khloe." (Bobbie Jo Mays)

"The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They no longer want to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll be known as just the Bullets." -- Jay Leno

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife went for counseling. When asked by the marriage counselor
what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched, with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in
a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is
what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you
do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

The Smith’s were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author assured the family he could handle the story as tactfully as possible and was given the go-ahead to write the book.

The book appeared. It said “Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution and was attached to his position by the strongest of ties. His death came as a great shock.