Yay for Life

I've been having the best day today. It's been a long time since I've felt so whole, happy and even. I am praying this isn't just a tease like similar moods in the recent past. I guess it started yesterday in the wee hours of the morning. Another mania over my husband staying out past work put me on a mission to resolve the issue permanently. I did silly things like review the marriage vows and define them according to which of my expectations were actually part of the vows exchanged. I found that the vows were so simple and didn't really represent all the expectations I was having. It's much simpler than I was making it. He's to have and to hold, to love and cherish and his promise was to do the same for me. I have been so co-dependent and it was making me utterly INSANE.

Later in the day, when I was with my girls, I was making a very conscious effort to stay present and soak in all the little blissful details of having the honor of being a mother. We played so well, they both fell asleep so early. I had 5 hours to be myself and reflect and do what I wanted before my husband came home. I wrote in my journal, sewed repairs, watched Beautiful Creatures (a movie I just love because there is so much symbolism and enlightening dialogue, I can watch it more than once and still find something new each time) and skipped dinner in order to prepare for my first fast. I had 2 glasses of wine and when I got tired I tried to sleep. Instead of sleeping, I had this super intense experience where there was a rush of faces, energies, memories and current global events. Somewhat similar to my life flashing before my eyes except it wasn't all my life and a bit more specifically about feeling each individual at the moment I thought of them. I was not trying to think of anyone or any memory, it was a rush of energy not my own. I could feel a world of pain and sorrow wrenching my heart. I actually have slight bruises under my eyes today from how intense the emotions were. It was very much a release of the pain of others, as well as myself. Empathy for all the awful things happening on Earth. A deep and strong desire to be a source of relief for all the grief in this world, rather than creating my own grief to add to it.

I tend to be rather un-affectionate and reserved, but I am realizing how important physical display of love is. It's occurred to me that the human body is a vessel ruled by the darkness if the Divine Spirit doesn't consciously rule over it with Love and Light. Leave yourself to function by default and it will destroy you and you will find yourself unable to avoid entropy. I am learning that with every moment I have to express my loving soul with out self-judgment or else I leave my body to be claimed by the lower vibrations, chemical addictions, emotions, the physical reality. I've been watching What the Bleep Do We Know? and it's sequel, Down the Rabbit Hole. It has also been an aide in re-establishing the consciousness I had prior to the catastrophic event of having someone very very very VERY negative live with us for over a year (2-3 years ago).

In a great sense I feel I took on most of his negativity and unconsciousness as a sort of healer for him. He is now a much healthier person in comparison to who he was when he first arrived and I slowly felt myself slip into a deep DEEP darkness as we saw him heal and shine his light. I love to be here to give healing but I must establish a consciousness resilient to negativity transference. That was not the first relationship in which that sort of transference of my good to someone else in trade for his or her bad to me. It actually has been a trend for me most of my life. But I do hope that was the last time I allow the negativity to consume me, rather than deflect directly to God, who is actually fit to transform it.