That changing moment

About a month ago, I was having yet another argument with my wife. At this point we were both pretty tired of the fights and we, while saddened were ok with parting ways. There wasn't any bitterness anymore just a sad resignation to the fact that this just didn't work. As the end drew closer and it was about time for me to leave just a couple more days I began feeling a sense of incredible loss that I knew that if I lost her now, If I lost her again I would regret it for the rest of my life.
We were sitting on our bed together talking. When she made a statement that in a moment completely changed my way of thinking. She said, “Why don’t you just stop being fake, your always being fake.” I took a deep breath and prepared to make sure that she knew that, “I am not a fake” Just as I opened my mouth to defend myself and justify my actions what came out was, “your right I am always being fake.” I am always being what I think others expect me to be. I am not the person that I have been being because that person was different for everyone that I came into contact with.” Now looking back I can see why I was so uptight. I can see how always trying to keep up appearances of who people thought I was left me exhausted and frustrated. I placed so much importance on what the wrong people thought of me.
It was at that moment that I realized that I had developed that “FAKE” persona to guard myself from being hurt and disappointed by others in my life. Many of which I now realize really don’t even count. The ones that count are the ones that I love and that love me back and what I now realize is that anyone outside of that circle really does not matter.
It was also at that moment that I made the distinction of who I am and what I believe in and it was also at that moment that I knew that keeping the woman that I love with all my heart meant letting all of that “ Fakeness “ go. It was also at that moment that I realized that who I am is someone that wants to leave the people that I come into contact with feeling good about having had that contact. I am sure that it can’t be that way all of the time and that sooner or later someone will require me to leave them feeling not so good about me or themselves or perhaps both. But most importantly I realized that I am ok with being that person. I like being that person. With that I began to act accordingly. I looked at my wife and I said, “you know I haven’t been authentically myself since probably ever and I know that you have no reason to think that after things get back to normal with us that this change is going to last, but I love you and if I let you go I know that I will be miserable the rest of my life and I don’t really want to live my life without you in it. With that we stopped talking and I began acting in alignment with the person that I believe that I authentically am.
It used to be that I was always so concerned about what others thought in particular how they viewed my relationship with my wife. There are things that I do that some may or do consider me to be well, “whipped”. For example when my wife arrives home from work I go out to the car and carry her things in for her. I do that for two reasons one while our relationship may not always be perfect I genuinely like my wife. And that small act that takes two whole minutes out of my day has grown to mean something to her it makes her feel loved and appreciated and cared for.
Two minutes of my time. Why not? The second example for me that I have taken a fair amount of crap about is the fact that I pretty routinely go home and make the bed maybe tidy up and make dinner. My wife and I both work full time day jobs and I get home a couple of hours before her so if she didn't have time in the morning to get something like the bed made or dishwasher empty or whatever it may be. Why not do those things? Why not make it so that by the time we are done dinner the only thing left to do is enjoy each other’s company. Don’t get me wrong it doesn't always work out that way and sometimes we end up busy till late but once again I genuinely like her I like spending time with her so why would I not do those things?
Because some outdated gender role says that she’s the woman and those are her duties. I would have to say if she was a stay at home wife that I would probably have the expectation that those things are done but she clearly is not and I am immensely proud of the woman that she is.

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