My dog walks the street with the sense and purpose of a paper airplane.

FREE BAND NAMES: (girl band edition) 1. Lady Grab 2. Smashley and the Selfies 3. Scarf 4. November Chai 5. Hot Yoga Divorce 6. CATHY?!
Pizza on a bagel? *dabs neck with kerchief* Well I DO declare!
A children's book for potential serial killers called "Wears Waldo"
right after i wake up is when i like to get in my first nap of the day
this raw food diet is pretty great i've eaten raw cookie dough for 3 days now & i've never been happier
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE HAS REALISTIC GRAPHICS? LIFE!!! LOOK AT THIS BIRD *I hold up a dirty paper towel* CAN YOUR VIDEO GAMES DO THAT
*opens wallet and moths fly in* Whoa, looks like I have money now!
Hey! Hey guy who spews totally insane gibberish! Write that shit down on a little piece of paper and put it in this cookie
Before they invented scratch off lottery tickets they used to have tickets with a little pile of dirt on them. "Blow off the dirt and win"
The Lone Ranger was silhouetted against the setting sun. "My ass hurts," said the Lone Ranger. "It hurts from riding this horse."
My favorite conversation starter is twenty seconds of intense staring, followed by, "You think I'm afraid of you?"
Didn't mean to call you, I was licking a smudge off my phone screen.
NEW DORITO FLAVORS: 1. Explosive diarrhea 2. Instant diarrhea 3. Terminal diarrhea 4. Omfg diarrhea 5. Total diarrhea