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Gemini

Izabela Bienko

Blog #30 of 33

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November 30th, 2014 - 12:16 AM

Gemini

I feel so insecure
Alone
Unsafe

It is irresponsible to offer someone’s hopes, dreams and future, then deny them.
I feel cheated
Bleeding

Your hands held so much
My hopes
My dreams
My heart
Now they are stained
And you refuse to face me
Refuse to face what is real
You cannot heal until you do
Face your demons
They will show you the ugly truth

We were building our dreams
Now you say we are just friends
You said I had all of your attention
Now you refuse to kiss me goodbye
You begged to dream with me under the stars
Now you’re so busy you can’t make the time
You wanted to be my man
But it is easier now that I am gone away
You were here to stay
Now you can barely look me in the eye
You cannot provide me with what I need
You cannot provide yourself with what you need

As well intentioned as your words have been, they are empty
And I trusted them with all my heart
I had faith in you and I still do
Even though you lack it for yourself

You asked me to make room for you
And I did
But you left my heart empty
Just as your words
You promised lifetimes
Yet our time together was always pushed back
The love you were sure to bring
I am still waiting for
You say you will not fail without a fight
There was no fight
No will
All fail

Your mind
Your heart
Your soul
Wanted to make love
You wanted to give me all of you
To show me everything
To be honest
But you cannot do that for yourself
I should have never expected for you to do it for me

We knew each other so little
And I did not know
I just trusted
And now here alone
Again
The security you promised me
I now realize is what I need to learn to provide myself
What a lesson in return
The same you need to learn

I love your energy
Your spirit
It lifts me
It fires me up
But your energy is not what will keep me safe or happy
It does keep me entertained and enthralled
But I want to be connected to you
And I know I won’t be for much longer
I can’t
I know it is tough to see me go
Someone who showed you to yourself
But you chose to shut everyone out
And just go through the motions
Making excuses for yourself as you go
So you don’t have to feel responsible
You are always responsible
Whether you act it, feel it or not
And there will be a day when you will need to sit down and talk about it
And will no longer be able to ignore it or push it away
The lesson will remain
Until it is learned
And when that day comes for you
I can be there for you
And I do not speak empty words
But I will not be the one who provides you with security
This you need to do for yourself
Which I know you already realize
But it pains you so much you could not do it for me
and pains you even more you do not have this in your own life

Space and time become irrelevant when you truly love someone and give them whatever they need to feel secure with you.

You said I was refreshing
My mature perspective on relationships
I hope I have given you a little insight
Into your own reality
Because we only truly see ourselves as reflected by another
Especially if that other is genuine, open, vulnerable and pure of heart
Which I was, and still am, for you

Thank you for the lesson about security and boundaries
I appreciate you
I know it was an important lesson
Because there was so much emotion, and pain
It was meaningful
It was therefore deeply integrated
Thank you
Whatever you decide to take away or learn is up to you

I take no more responsibility for you anymore
It is unfair to you
Because you need to bear all of it to truly learn the lessons
In this way
I would only be cheating you
And I refuse to hurt you in this way
This way not my role in your life
My role in your life was to show you love
Keep it there in front of you
So you can see how you react
And learn from it

In the process I set myself up to get hurt
And I take full responsibility for that,
I cannot blame you
Partly because you promised I would be safe
But safety is up to me and only me
If my heart, my intuition, tells me something is not right
It has all my attention

I hope that what you saw helped you reach the next step in your healing process
I hope you do not ignore that intuition which tells you the truth
Every time I remember hating myself
Abusing myself
I remember refusing love and happiness
It was painful
And it is still painful seeing others in that process
All I can do for you now is propel you towards the truth by being vulnerable, honest, open and kind
By bridging across from one heart to another and loving fully
To care is to do the painful work sometimes
When the other is incapable
But not to take on the responsibility of learning the lesson for them
To love is to truly stay grounded in yourself and allow, and demonstrate this state for another
We deal with so much pain everyday
We forget that love, care, compassion, patience and honesty breaks through it all eventually
Instead it is easier in the moment to be angry, to fear, to ignore, to abuse ourselves and others
We do this until we cannot do it any longer
And being the long journey out of the holes we dug for ourselves
All I wanted to do was offer a helping hand
And I fell in by accident
Now I feel the pain, the emptiness, the echoes that you do
It reminds me of that place
of my own hole
perhaps this is our connection

I thought you might be the one who fills it, finally
You wanted to
But now I see it cannot be you
At least not now
And I still have hope
In vain
I will see where life takes me
A free spirit as they call me
Sometimes, most of the time I do not feel free
I feel bound
And tired
And responsible
And confined
I know I need to break free
From here

Nor from you
But from your pain
It chains me
It obligates me
Why am I so attracted to the pain of others?
This cannot be compassion
I have a healing heart, I know
But how do I disconnect from the pain?
The pain that I can relate to so easily
Because I am only human
Because I went through it just the same
Because I believe this is my obligation to do whatever it takes for others to be happy
This belief in not working for me anymore

Separation is so painful
It feels more like a tearing, seering off
My heart wanted to be connected to everyone
So I guess I naturally go to the weakest links
In my attempt to fuse us together
But in the process I get abused
And I allow it
Believing it is all a part of the process
But then realizing that part way through
I cannot keep going
I am only one person
With only so much energy
I have infinite love
We all do
But contained in this mind and body
I need to be more responsible to myself in what I can realistically give. I need those boundaries, its not just a shield
A boundary lets the good in and out, and keeps out the bad
I need to receive more, to replenish, to nurture.
Boundaries keep me safe
Not separate
Separating from anything or anybody feels so unnatural
Not everytime
And when it happens
It is so painful
Then I desperately try and hold on
From keeping myself from falling apart
I feel so heavy
Burdened
My heart is sinking
Beats low
My eye lods are heavy
My head hangs low
as do the corners of my smile
my hands are numb

You are a manifestation of one of the biggest lessons I needed to learn
I crossed a boundary
My own
We could have just been friends all along
Just kissed a little along the way
Maybe
And shared hopes and wishes
Maybe
I had to take it to the place where I know I get stuck
To the place I hope you get stuck
And that is the opposite of what you needed
Of what anyone ever needs
I was selfish
I thought I needed someone to provide me security in a relationship so desperately
I used myself
Devalued myself to try to get it
But in this demeaning process
Devaluing the very thing you valued in the first place

Now I get to have you in my life
Always
A special place within me
My soul
My heart
My memories
My dear Gemini
My spontaneous, charismatic, articulate, flirtatious, witty, funny, energetic Gem.

Thank you

Izabela Bienko

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