Cant Even Begin

You ask what I want
A loaded question
With which I am about to shoot myself in the foot

You say you meant every word
Such Idealism
Comes only from the purest of hearts

We are connected
By chords that choke our truth
And hang us from the stars

Hours pass by
Sweet everythings fill our souls
Until day breaks and reality crashes

Back and forth
Insecurities roar from ear to ear
But when I see you, everything but my heart remains still

Explain to me how I feel
When I am numb
Until your heavy voice intrudes my senses

Its never enough to be just, good
Your dull knife kills me slowly
Your wit quickly pierces my evil

It sinks deeper through
Stillness seeps in
And then you smile, waking my emotional coma

Sometimes I let go
Mostly I grip until it bleeds
I fear the pain of emptiness

Crawling, scratching at my skin
The thoughts
Maybe someday they will stop to listen

Sundays I wait
I love my sadistic rituals of self loathing
I feel conveniently unworthy of hate

This marks the beginning
Of endless self evaluation
Or did I mean evolution? Same thing...

I go on
Forever stopping
Only to pick up pieces of my shattered heart

I miss the loneliness
Its peaceful at least
Rotting in the hollow fragrance of my own bullshit

Then monday comes
Chaos hugging me tightly
I now have an excuse to need you

Hold me above everyone
Carefully I will pull you up
As they try and snatch at your spirit

Save me as I fall
I hit my head on the way up
And now I must try to remember who I was on the way down

Izabela Bienko