Any helmet can be a poop helmet if youre a terrible person

A couple of pigs watching football. One turns to the other and points at the ball on the t.v. "I know him"
My favorite mythical creature is the happy bitch in the tampon commercials.
Fanny packs are cool if you wear them to the side like a gangsta.
That awkward moment when you feel obligated to say stop but really want them to grate more cheese.
Beauty comes in all shapes and sizes... Small, large, round, square, thin crust, thick crust, stuffed crust, extra toppings, extra cheese
The staff at this gym keeps track of my reps for me. They say "lady, no more squats" and "You've farted 3 sets of 10"
I miss the sound of my cat's meows, all he does now is text me "lolz" and the poop emoji from the other room when he's hungry.
Congratulations, you've won a free cruise! We just need a credit card number, $499 for port charges, a blood sample and your Facebook login.
*flips over table* WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN'T ORDER FROM THE KID'S MENU!
The definition of insanity is doing something over and over again and expecting different results. So basically, housework is crazy.
I just write them I don't explain them.