911 what is your emergency Just thinkin boutcha

When you slip into a romantic, candlelit bath and realize you forgot to pee but then relax and release because your cat is cool with it.
This new water bottle is supposed to make me drink more water but it's just sitting full on the counter quietly judging me.
How to find happiness: 1. Think of where you last saw it. 2. See if it's still there.
don't need plates/utensils with my order. for is a pizza not contained heretofore in its own plate? and my hands. shan't my hands be vessels
Have started responding to my parents' questions in nothing but zen koans. "What are you doing with your life?" The moon cannot be stolen.
Entering a password accurately on the third try is as close as most of us will ever get to defusing a bomb when the timer hits 1 second.
*updates resume* Responsible for audio driver troubleshooting/coordinating rescue of chipmunk trapped in downspout during lightning storm.
I could go to bed or I could continue putting costumes on my sleeping cat.
I think the best place to hit someone you hate is on the lips, cuz then they can't kiss their stuffed animals goodnight for A WHILE.
In hospital again for mistaking the hair on my shoulder for a bug.
I did not achieve my true potential in life due to static cling.
The hardest thing about educating my children is always having to sit in a chair backwards.
*breaking news jingle* This just in. Those tiny little bows they keep putting in the center of bras. What the hell am I seven?